Ask Mordak, Lord of Fury

• Question: Randall: My girlfriend gives the worst fellatio; all I feel are teeth. I tell her, "No biting!" but she thinks I'm kidding around when I say that. She takes it personally when I don't ejaculate in her mouth, as if she doesn't turn me on; she gets all hurt on me & pouts because she likes to brag about me to her girlfriends about how big I am & how long I can stay hard & how many times I can climax in a row without resting & this sort of thing. She likes other people to watch us, so. Any ideas? - Anonymous
• Answer:

  First of all, THIS IS MY TUMBLTHING, NOT MY IDIOT BROTHER’S!  Secondly, I ask that you not corrupt Randall with your grossness, as he is an innocent boy, and he probably thinks Fellatio is some kind of pizza parlor.

  

  An interesting query, Anonymous Personage!  Tell me, have you tried deflating your “girlfriend” and then blowing her back up manually?  Listen for any squeaking sounds that might mean air is escaping — she could have sprung a leak.  Unless of course you went for one of those creepy life-sized ones you fill with warm water, but by your clearly erroneous bragging and limited if not wholly fictional understanding of women and their feelings on all matters sexual (on which your Lord Mordak is QUITE the expert, but I digress), I suspect you could not afford such a lavish invention on your Waffle Hut salary, even if you don’t count deductions for Cheetos and whatever rent your mother charges you.

  My suggestion is to try getting out more, maybe get to know an actual female human, and if you do get lucky enough to receive such favors from anyone more realistic than a BJ-In-A-Can, you thank her profusely and pray to your heathen God that she might one day pity you enough to do it again.

  You have only so much time before I destroy you all anyway.  So enjoy what you have of it.

• Question: Mordak: This is Discord of Equestria; just writing to let you know this megaverse ain't big enough for the both of us, & I was here first, so if you value your cheesy carcass you will get the frack out of Dodge before I kick you, Randall, Finn, Bacon, that green horned guy whose name presently escapes me, Kit, her bf, that duck & Lily all into the next millennium. I am NOT reformed, NOT gonna marry Flutters no matter how sweetly she asks, we are just friends, and um. (where was I?) Oh yes. WORD - Anonymous
• Answer:

  

  ‘Kay, hold the phone.  Is this, like, some kind of pony shit?

  *Sigh…*

  Okay, children, story time!  Papa Mordak’s gonna spin a little yarn for y’all.  Once upon a maaaaaagical time, there were these maaaaagical little My Ponies things that flopped around making friends and pooping glitter piles and all sorts of crap.  For some reason, grown-ass humans got very emotional over it.

  Then one day, a great and powerful cactus came along.

  

  AND HE ENGULFED THEM IN FLAME AND CRUNCHED ON THEIR TINY SKULLS, AND HE BARBECUED THEIR WINGS AND TURNED THE REST INTO GLUE SO HE COULD MAKE A PAPIER MACHE DIORAMA OF HIM KILLING THEM.

  The end.

  As for the rest of that weird crap you said, I have no idea what you mean, but rest assured, THERE WILL BE PAIN.

• Question: Mordak: This is Admiral Komak of Starfleet Command. There is a problem in the Omicron Delta system; a galactic war is about to break out. Normally we would send Kirk, Spock et al. with the Enterprise to deal with this, but some imbecile named JJ Adams has sent all of them back in time for some strange reason and they're not available. Can you assist us on this extremely critical mission? Or, failing that, is Randall available? Please advise as this is our most desperate hour; help us, can you? - Anonymous
• Answer:

  

  You… Do you KNOW who I AM?  Honestly… haven’t you ever read my comic strip?

  Let me help you, dear minion, as you are clearly confused, but mark me that this is the ONLY help I shall ever give…

  

  I AM MORDAK, LORD OF MOST UNHOLY FURY.  I FART IN THE FACE OF YOUR STARFLEET COMMAND, OF YOUR ADMITTEDLY SEXY KIRK AND SPOCK, AND OF YOUR OMICHROOSE DELFLACK WHATEVERTHEFUCK.  YOU DARE, YOU HAVE THE PRESUMPTION, TO ASK FOR MY ASSISTANCE?  I CARE NOT FOR YOUR GALACTIC WARS, YOU SPECK OF UNFINISHED WHEAT TOAST!  LET THEM DESTROY ALL, SAVE MY OWN DOMINION, WHICH I ALREADY LORD OVER WITH MAJESTIC GLORY.

  I WILL ASSIST YOU IN ONLY ONE THING: YOUR VERY FAST APPROACHING, VERY AGONIZING DEMISE.  GO TO YOUR LOVED ONES AND WEEP, FOR MORDAK IS COMING, AND HIS BARBS LEAVE EXTREMELY PAINFUL WELTS.

  MWWWAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

• Question: Mordak: It seems I touched a nerve on that Bond question, so I was wondering about a follow-up (if it doesn't unduly incense Your Lordship too much). If in fact the Bond guy was based on your life & not that English fruit whose name currently escapes me, might you have pictures (decent or otherwise) of your luscious conquests that your avid readers & minions might savor & masterbate to? - Anonymous
• Answer:

  

  “Masturbate”, you imbecile, not “masterbate”.  ”Savour”, not “savor”, at least, if you speak proper English, not that Merkin patois you call a language.

  As for “that English fruit”, you are speaking of Sir Christopher Lee who WAS in fact James Bond and has not only done all that crazy shit but used his expertise in stabbing his enemies from behind to further his brilliance in acting.  He is also Dracula.  The real one.

  DO ATTEMPT TO USE YOUR MEASLY PEA BRAIN and remember the fact that I, your Lord Mordak, am also an “English fruit”, and to make sure you are more respectful to myself as well as Dracula A.D. 1971 in the future, I have dispatched several members of my cactus mafia to your home to POKE THEE WITH NO MERCY.

• Question: I just thought you should know this since it threatens your plans. But there is a new challenger in our mists and she claims that she is more frightening than you and will have you as her slave. I want to know; do you plan to take down this obscure pathetic challenger and is there anything I can do to help? (BTW; this is KIWIGIRL1 on dA. :D) - insidethesparows
• Answer:

  

  Eh?  Who is this challenger of whom you so boldly speak?  She has not presented herself, nor have you named her, so I admit, my level of root-shaking terror is rather low at the moment.  Perhaps if your obviously weak-ass challenger would present herself in a manner worth giving a crumbly biscuit for, I might lift my mighty brow in interest.  Until then, leave me, human, or get me a sandwich if you need something to do.

• Question: Mordack, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss - I have the greatest hopes that Randall will find some way to return to all of us, but until then, you have my deepest condolences. No matter who you are, be you lowly peasant or soon to be ruler of the world, losing someone always hurts. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose a sibling. Your enslaved subjects are here for you, if you continue to rule - for I feel that you may have some serious doubts about taking over the world now. - suzie-guru
• Answer:

  Hello m’lord Mordak - I’m not sure if you got my first submission, but I just to give you my deepest condolences on your loss. Losing someone is always painful, be you humble slave/subject or powerful ruler, and I know you must be hurting deeply right now. I hope that you’ll be able to find a way to heal…without drowning your sorrows in water, though Kit seems to be doing a pretty damn good job with keeping you sensible (sort of). Regardless…you have my deepest sympathies, Sire.

  
  

  Your sympathy is about as meaningful as your original spelling of my name, and about as sensible too.  Do I, Lord Incumbent of all the known world, require sympathy or pity or any other of those useless feeling things?  Certainly not.  It is our attachment to others that weakens and distracts us from our true purpose.

  Now if you will excuse me, your beloved leader has something in his eye… just grabbing a tissue….  I think I need a tea…

johnbyrnedraws:

X-Factor Annual #4, page 41 by John Byrne. 1989.

He stole that speech from me.

• Question: *sighs* ok mordak if ud rader wallow in self pity dan beleef im still aroun dats fine btw dat russian gurl turns out to be freakin big time artist so wees goin to new yawk where dis former big time editor @ dc comics joan hilty who writes bitter girl lives an xen dats her name wants to draw all dees dumb pony storees i foun on da internets cause she likes drawin pretty gurls anywoos im helpin her if yas nose wut i mean so wese havin da fun dey talks about but still mis use lots gotta go randall - Anonymous
• Answer:

  

  

  (Mod comments: Okay seriously, brother, back off.  I’ve seen him when he’s like this.  You’re messing with things you don’t understand.  Also, Randall is not some Jersey shore mobster, so I have no clue why you’re trying to make him sound that way.  Mordak is in mourning, and will probably try to unleash the zombie virus if you don’t shut your cakewad.)

• Question: hi mordak its me randall trolling you from the great beyond hahah no srsly its me im fine dont worry its all just a plot devise like on stah track tos seasun 2 member all dose epesodes where kurk spahk or bones 'dies' an he gets talked back to life at duh verah end kit jus wantd to teach u a leson in hoomidtie or sumthin anywhoos im kickin it in da carbbean like on pulp fictun smilin like bruce willis oh hey baby can use gets me anoder mytai en send wun to that cutie over dere been given me eye - Anonymous
• Answer:

  

  BAD TASTE, you moronic grey head of buffoonery.  I will make this brief, but listen well.  Randall does not drink alcoholic beverages.  Randall does not know of this “Pulp Fiction”.  Randall has no interest in girls, and might not even be certain what one is.

  

  RANDALL, MY ONLY BROTHER, HAS DIED, AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME FROM ANNIHILATING YOUR PATHETIC CARCASS IS YOUR FRAGILE INTERNET ANONYMITY BUT MARK MY WORDS — IF YOU OR ANY OTHER PUTRESCENT CREATURE ATTEMPT TO IMPERSONATE MY BROTHER AGAIN, I WILL LAY WASTE TO THIS PLANET WHETHER I AM ON IT OR NO, AND YOUR BONES WILL SPLIT IN THE FLAMES OF MY RAGE.

  That is all.

• Question: Muwhahaha! So, Randall, since you seem to be able to also answer questions on Mordak's Ask... what other stories do you have of your dear brother so I might torture him with his epic silliness?! :D - venjosstitches
• Answer:

  

  o shure!  most peepl don’t no but mordak is actual a real funy guy! heez eeting a milky way an watchin once upon a time and crying right now so i cnt ask him to tell me that jok he said the other day but it was hilaryus!

  

  RANDALL YOU DRUNKEN BLITHERING MUTATION!  I WAS DOING NONE OF THOSE THINGS!  I WAS BEING EXTREMELY EVIL AND SCIENTIFIC JUST NOW!  GET OFF MY TUMBLETHING!